I have been thinking alot what I want this blog to be. I want my kids to someday, hopefully, look at these words, and see a glimpse into my thoughts and feelings. To perhaps get a small understanding of hard choices that will inevedibly have to be made over the course of their childhood, and to maybe show them why and how we made the choices we did. After all, once you have kids...everything, and I mean everything revolves around their little amazing new lives. We have the privilege of shaping these two children, and we intend on doing better then the previous generation, just as they tried to do better then theirs.
Lessons...
The lessons I want my kids to take from my long exhaustive night of yelling at a few choice family members in my dreams is this....
It won't change anything, and even at thirty, I don't fully realize that. But it doesn't change the outcome. We are all taught, change only comes to a person who desires it. No matter the words that are spoken, screamed, or cried...the person in question is the one who wants to change....WANTS....and that's a little word with a be meaning.
As people we generally know what we need out of relationships, but what we are not ever taught is this...that in some relationships, even in ones where it should be obvious what is needed in between two people...it has to be WANTED by both people to succeed in it. No amount of screaming or yelling will change what another person sees as right, even when it is a mother, aunt, uncle, cousin...all you can do is this... Live. Live your own life. Sometimes people need space and time away to realize change is needed. With hope, change comes, and when it doesn't, you can find your moment of saddness, and then realize that the entire time that the other person was miserable without you, that you have moved forward, formed your family, your traditions, your CORE. And IF the day comes, you can then be thankful, not just for the realization that the person you needed to have was made, but that while they were making it....you moved on, and lived and they now conform to your family, to your needs! And in that....you will take the power back.
At the start of this day, yes, the feeling is exhaustion. I just got through spending my night screaming at family members in my dreams to stop games that should never be played between people, let alone family....but What I want my babies to knowis and i end with this....what is important at this very moment is what is inside our four walls, during our waking hours...what is important is how we spend those hours....so in a way, I am glad it was only my dreams that we're filled with this non sense from outside entities that should no better...that my waking hours now can be filled with taking care of my own, and moving forward, if anyone ever wants to join us again...conform to us and how we have moved on. If you wait too long, you might find....you no longer fit. But ultimately it won't be our loss, and that is a huge lesson to learn....have enough confidence in yourself to find your core and to move on from toxic people.
